The New, the Old, and the Ugly

I woke up today not knowing what to think of the day ahead. I was going to miss the first twenty minutes of choir because of my ignorant stomach, I'd have to figure out why I was failing, of all my classes, Store Operations, think of what we had to do for World Lit, and read through the article explaining the differences between Sunnis and Shiites. To say the least, I had to make some things clear; they just weren't the things I expected to become clear.

I encountered things today that would normally make me extremely mad, but I sat back with the fury inside of me. The thought was if I bottled it up, maybe I could use it to benefit me somehow. Maybe it was the failing of an easy class that broke my mental restraints. Maybe it was the uncommon act of kindness that had presented itself before but never in such a way where I could feel better about myself. Or maybe making a connection that wasn't really a connection but a false hope that I had promised to myself ever since the first day of school of my sophomore year. Wow, I need a shrink!

I guess I just don't have the courage to face myself yet. Sure, everybody lies to themselves, but that's what excuses are for, and I don't have anymore. I have become consciously aware of it after seeing the way people look at me. The answer is not out-looking my alleged soul. Friday really backfired on me...

Hot Rod didn't become Rodimus Prime until he understood how to grasp the Matrix of Leadership and unleash its power on Unicron, the embodiment of evil. As much as I'd like to think I'm Hot Rod, I know in my heart that I am Ultra Magnus. The Matrix of Leadership was in my hands, but I am not the one meant to open it. For my weakness, I will be drawn and quartered, waiting for someone to reassemble me. It is from this point that I will always be behind the others, never getting another chance. Since we're on the subject of Transformers comparisons, I will never get Arcee. Besides, girls like triple-changers...

The same open feeling you get when you are a kid is in the back of my mind. I don't want to spend a chunk of my life getting ready for it. I want to live it. Other people are jerks. Other people are peer pressure. Other people are Hell. I live in Hell.